Yesterday was the boys' first day at Track Out camp and they LOVED it. They got to play tons of sports and games and do new things they've never done before (archery, freeze tag). They'll also get to go on field trips like a corn maze and the state fair. It's awesome...... but
but but but but but
there is a teeny tiny shred of nagging guilt in the back of my brain that feels a TINY bit guilty they will never get to experience the complete freedom of doing nothing for weeks at home when they are out of school. I never ever doubt our decision to be a two income family, but things like this make me feel that tiny glimmer of "would they be happier if one of us stayed home?"
In my heart, I know the answer is NO. At camp, people play with them all day. If they were home with us, it would not even be close to that experience. I think what made it hard was looking out my office window yesterday and seeing their school friends run around outside playing together. That tiny part comes from not wanting them to miss anything.
Talk to me about this peoples. Anyone else completely happy with their work/home arrangements but still feel slight guilt sometimes?
32 comments:
"completely happy with their work/home arrangements"
Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Are we ever going to be? I'm doubting it. I know my change is "right," but I don't think I will be completely happy with it.
I'm with Lindsay, most folks I know myself included aren't "happy" with their arraingement all the time, but most are doing the best they can. I do have to share that when I was a kid both my parents worked out of the home and by the time I was 11 or 12 I was staying home all summer by myself and by the time I was 6-7 I was spending my evenings and weekends with all the neighborhood kids. I didn't miss out on those times, even though I had work out of the home parents, I was just on a different schedule. :) And I definitely did my fair share of camps.
Laura-
Seriously, we all feel guilt about something. I think it's always normal to second guess or doubt your decisions about kids. Daycare vs. Staying home, one income vs. Two. You know I stay home, and therefore we sacrifice some things/experiences due to income restrictions. Is it right to "deprive" my kids of experiences so I can be home with them? I guess it depends on who you ask. I know for US, it's the absolute right thing. I have friends who stay home who would be way better off working but they feel guilt about going to work. So I think that there's always stuff to worry you're doing wrong, but the thing is, your boys are getting what is best for them. If you take away all the outside pressures, think about the experiences they are getting to have. Also, they don't know that they are "missing out" on anything. Staying home and having empty days? They don't know about it so they can't possibly miss it. They are happy happy, and that's what counts.
I don't know if this helps at all, but I will say that my memories of summer camp were the HAPPIEST TIMES OF MY LIFE. There, feel any better?
Yeah, I'm laughing right along with Lindsay. I want contradictory things in life, therefore it's impossible to be completely happy.
It really all comes down to opportunity costs. You miss out on some things so you can do other things. There is always a twinge of regret and guilt.
I spent 6 summers working on a pony farm. I started when I was 9. I had a job at 9! With responsibility for living beings. It was awesome. And I'm sad that Michael won't have something like that in his life. But, neither did most people. Everyone finds their own "thing", It's just going to be a different "thing" for each of our kids.
Ditto my dear friend Lindsay.
I envy the fact that you are completely happy with your arrangement - there have only been a few periods since C was born that I've felt totally satisfied with ours. Currently, I spend every working day wishing I was a SAHM. We are taking some time to evaluate things, but I expect there will be a change sooner rather than later.
In our case, though, I think we have a big difference in that our kids are younger. It sounds like your boys are having an amazing time, and you do such a good job of giving them fun experiences and real quality time with trips and other things that I don't think they are missing out at all.
Mommy guilt is unfortunately completely normal!
Ummm YES--I feel guilty every single day that William can't ride the bus home and play with friends after school. I feel so guilty that I may even look into hiring a babysitter for after school, even though the cost is almost prohibitive. I have decided, however, that I will not put him in daycare during spring break or during Christmas holidays, and I will try to let him stay home on teacher work days. And once Seth starts school, I'll be able to get to work earlier and leave earlier, which will make a babysitter after school a much more viable option! And despite what I want or wish for my kids, I know that our current arrangement is a really good thing. The boys are happy, they're challenged and well cared for. For now, it's enough.
Have to agree with everyone else that it's hard to be "completely happy," though I think what you meant was that you know you are doing what's right for you, but yet you can't help but still feel guilty. And we all feel that way. My girls stayed home for the first time this summer with me, and parts of it were great. But much of it was probably boring for them, as I still had housework/freelance work to do, and I felt guilty that it was so....boring sometimes. They did two camps, but without my income, couldn't really do more, which I think they would have loved. Your boys are having a great time, it seems, so try not to worry! They do still have downtime, on weekends, and such, and honestly, I think we need more downtime than they do!
I think that we are made to feel guilty about something at all times as parents. For me, I feel slight guilt at not being able to give the kids everything they want. But they have everything they need and that is what matters to us. I felt SO guilty when I was a working mom. Having the kids home with me was the right decision for our family, even though it took a while to get there. I think that kids don't know what they are missing if they are having fun and doing what they enjoy.
My kids go to the Y for teacher workdays and LOVE it. That was a much easier transition than the whole school thing. I like that it gives them good ideas for play at home. We often have "ACMY" camp at home where Maddie plays the counselor.
If they're able to run around with friends after school and on weekends, then you've got the best of both worlds.
Guilt. Every day. Both directions. Guilt for not being home, then guilt for even thinking that because I am blessed and fortunate to HAVE a job and all that. Guilt for the day in day out things I miss, but the thought of not being able to do some of the extras would make me feel guilty later on down the line. You are not alone... others have summed it up nicely here. :)
The guilt is intermingled with uncertainty since it is so hard to always be sure that we have made the right decision. Our girls (3 years) had been home up until this fall with either a nanny or myself (I work part time), and now bam...big change. They are in a 5 day/week Montessori program. I think they will thrive, but there is this shred of "maybe they are too young, maybe they should be home to just play/explore more..."
Anyways, no you are not alone!
Sometimes?
All the time. And if we made a change, I would still feel guilty about something. I guess that's part of being a parent!
No idea how to answer your question because I'm not there yet.
My first thought was can you keep them home every so often and just let them do nothing if they want?
Best of both worlds maybe?
Okay I can't comment from the mom guilt side because my son is only 6 months old so we're not at that point yet, but from the kid side, I grew up going to camp for eight weeks every summer (either day camp or sleep-away) from the time I was 6 until I was 16. The weeks I was NOT at camp, I was bored out of my mind at home. How many times can you ride your bike in the same circle around the neighborhood? AND my school friends felt like they were missing out because they didn't get to go to camp. AND I had a whole 2nd set of camp friends, a few of whom I still am friends with today, 20 years later.
Your kids are having so much fun and you were able to provide that financially for them. Don't feel guilty, feel proud!
I think they are a little young for the freedom off for weeks, don't you think? You, and they, will be up for a trial run with that at say 11 or 12 as a pp suggested. I personally love my work schedule. I'd love to work from home more but one day a week is enough when my husband has the only office and I'm camped out in the living room.
Hi...I don't see your email so I'll just post this unrelated info. here for you Laura. In case you hadn't heard yet: the Bluths are back!
http://www.laineygossip.com/Articles/Details/21433/The-Bluths-are-back
Bwahahah! Girl, pulease. There is no perfect arrangement. The Mommy Guilt gets each and every one of us whether we work, work from home, or stay at home with our kids. S&H HATE when I get on my computer instead of playing with them, but such is life. We all do what is right for OUR families, there is no right or wrong and N&A will turn out perfectly fine whether they play outside with friends or go to camp.
I am currently struggling over whether to put the boys in 5 half days of preschool instead of just the 3 half days they do now. Their behavior is horrible on the days they don't go to school. They just love it and I think they need the stimulation. But at the same time they are only 3. I work for the family and they have come to work with me since I started working when they were 4 months old. Some days are hard but I wouldn't trade my situation with anyone.
I think that if your boys are happy then that is what matters. Would they be happy at home if you were constantly telling them you couldn't play because you had to work and eventually lose your patience with them because they wouldn't play on their own?
And I agree with the others...there will always be guilt about something.
Wow! My sister Allie and I have discussed this. It's actually one reason I do have a nanny and probably will try to have one during summers (I did that as a teenager) - I want to give them the chance to do nothing. I know this doesn't work for you with you working at home.
Oh the guilt is endless. On my days off, I feel guilty for not making them enriching and exciting enough. When I'm at work, I want nothing more than to be home with them.
I'm sure the guilt has been around since the cavewoman days. Stay with Unga in cave or gather berries?
I feel guilty ALL THE TIME. You are not alone.
Lana did not do any camps this summer b/c "I don't want to". There was a LOT of idle time. Mostly it was okay, but sometimes it was downright horrible. Too much down time is not necessarily a good thing. Next summer--she does day camps whether she likes it or not.
If your boys are having a blast, kick your teeny shred of guilt to the curb!
I would need 10 comment boxes to explain the ambivalence I feel about being a working mom. But in this one little tiny box I have, I will just say this: I pray that my boys will one day choose women to spend their lives with who they think remind them of me -- strong, driven, career-oriented AND family-oriented, with a heart for people as well as for doing excellent work. Do those women have to be perfect? Not even close. (They'll only think *I'm* perfect, right? RIGHT?!) But they will be perfect for them, hopefully, because of what I'm modeling for them today.
This is my prayer.
I think I probably have the perfect situation being a working mom during the school year and a stay at home mom in the summer, but I still feel plenty guilty and jealous. There is no way I can ever volunteer in C's classroom or go on field trips, etc.
I think the guilt is always going to be there no matter what you choose. My SAHM friends feel guilty that their kids aren't in daycare or preschool and getting the socialization/independence.
I, with my awesome part time schedule, still feel guilty when I drop T off at her day care which I know she loves. And is good for her.
But I think what we imagine as the idyllic "other road not taken" is actually not what happens in reality. I think we idealize how it would be - we'd do crafts! play in the yard with other kids! watch movies together!
without thinking about the fighting, or the "I'm bored", or not having enough extra money to send them to some activities, etc.
I think we're always going to feel the twinge about the "other choice(s)" and it's just a matter of looking at the big picture.
Just my $0.02.
Nothing really more to add other than reading all these comments makes me realize that we all have some static around the ever-present work/stay home question.
You know firsthand how I feel about Camp Mommy, so I will just add that N and A live well-rounded, lives filled with the best that as parents you are offering them. A great school, a good neighborhood filled with friends, a solid church, and most of all parents that love and want to spend time with them.
This is the first round of track out and I'm sure after experimenting that you will find the niche of how much time they need structured (i.e YMCA, basketweaving camp... whatever
vs eating Doritos on the couch for future breaks.
My rambling thoughts on a topic near and dear to my heart...
This is very timely for me.
I have been a working mom since my mat leave ended (my twin boys are now 3). I have felt so guilty about not being home with them and although they liked their daycare and seemed happy there - I couldn't help but want to be home with them and I know they felt the same way.
And then I lost my job in July. It makes more sense at this point, financially, for me to stay home for a while with the boys (until they start kindergarten in Sept 2012) and take them out of daycare. Now that we have done this and I am essentially a SAHM I am riddled with guilt about not sending them to daycare/preschool. Am I providing enough stimulation for them every day? Are they getting enough socialization? Are they learning enough? Was taking them out of daycare/preschool the right thing to do?
Ugh. I am torturing myself. And I'm really good at it.
I am heartened to read that a lot of other mothers are struggling with their work/home arrangements too.
Carrie
This is one time where I can honestly comment that I am at perfect peace about my decision to be at home full-time with my kids. Interestingly enough, all of the women on both sides of our families hav been SAHM's, so it is very validating and acceptable in my family (encouraged, actually) to be with my kids during the day time. What do I feel guilty about? The fact that I some times do such a lousy job and get frustrated/angry/mean.
No such thing as 100% happy with the balance if you really love your kids and also are really fulfilled by your work IMO. Right now I've got a weird hybrid of SAHM and working full time thanks to the night job. And I'm exhausted. I like spending more time with them, but I'd be lying if I said it was all quality time. Sometimes I think I'm not cut out for all this time at home LOL.
I think you always feel like there is something else you should be doing/reading/exploring. It's just natural that parents want to give their children everything that is available. Still, our girls are happiest when they are playing in the basement. I want to go to the local observatory, but they want to play with their stuff. It's a balancing act, isn't it?
One of my friends grew up in a house where her mom was a nurse and single, working double shifts etc. to make ends meet. She said that she never begrudged her mom that she wasn't there all the time because she knew that her mom always loved her and always wanted to be with her when she could. I've clung to that with all the ups and downs of being a working mother. I just try to focus on making the time we have quality time and hope that will help the girls feel balanced in their own way.
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