Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Second worst date ever

Right after I graduated from high school, I worked at a movie theater at the concession stand. My friends set me up on a blind date with a guy from another movie theater. He was 26, took me to a free movie, and made me pay for my own dinner at Checker's (which I don't even like). The date was terrible and awkward, but the worst part was when I realized I had to pay for my own food.

I had a lot of bad dates between the ages of 18 and 27 but that was by far the worst. And I never let my friends set me up on a blind date again.

My second worst date was on Friday night. I went out with one of my sons, who shall remain nameless. We ate a nice dinner out, then he wanted to go to Target to buy another beyblade.

As we walked through Target, he complained his stomach hurt. I asked over and over if he needed to use the bathroom and he refused. Finally, he screamed out and started to cry, then scream. I asked what happened.

He said he had a diarrhea accident.

I marched him, still crying, as fast as I could to the bathroom, while other shoppers stared at this screaming kid who was walking oddly. When I looked down his pants, I was HORRIFIED. Let's just say the underwear, the pants, and the socks were ruined. And here I was, alone in a Target bathroom stall with NO IDEA what to do. I had wipes and a change of clothes in the car but no way to get the boy to the car without more damage.

I called Jon on his cell and fortunately he was nearby with our other kid. Jon bought a new pair of pants and some pullups. While he did that, another mom got me a garbage bag for the kid to stand in so I had a place to put his soiled clothing.

As we walked out of Target, both boys said OVER and OVER in their loudest four year old boy voice:

DID YOU HAVE DIARRHEA?
I HAD DIARRHEA. IN TARGET.
DIARRHEA IN TARGET?
Laura: Please stop talking about it!
WHY CAN'T I TALK ABOUT DIARRHEA? I HAD DIARRHEA.
YEAH, HE HAD DIARRHEA. IN TARGET.
Jon: No more saying diarrhea! Or at least use inside voices!

Motherhood, it is glamorous.

27 comments:

Megan said...

Oh lord! I needed that giggle! My favorite visual is said son standing in a garbage bag! So sorry that your date was so traumatic!

A. said...

Thank goodness it worked out OK - how terrible/mortifying/typical! Typical because, as a parent, it's always a possibility that your children's bodily fluids will somehow ruin an outing. You just never know when...

Reminds me of the time Lucy was about 5 months old and expressed her displeasure at the Joe's Crab Shack waitstaff's dance performance of Cotton Eye Joe by pooping through her diaper, onto her infant car seat, and down into the stroller the car seat was perched in. While my husband was with her older brother in the restroom (for many, many agonizing minutes). I was left holding this poop-covered baby (far, far away from my body), with no idea of where or how to begin cleaning her up. She left the restaurant in just a diaper - good thing it was a warm night!

Joanna said...

DIARRHEA IN TARGET?

That must have been one bad date if it's still worse than diarrhea in Target. Then again, I suspect that you will continue to hear DIARRHEA IN TARGET? every time you go there, because that's how boys roll.

Tanika Davis said...

OMG! This sounds like it was the worst.day.ever for you, but gracious is it funny now!!
Hahahhaaaa!
Also, I give you mad props for keeping the poor poopy child anonymous. This will pay dividends in the "keep-your-child-off-the-therapist's-couch" column of life.

Carrie77 said...

Why do these disasters always happen in Target? I had a similar puking incident happen in Target with the kids, and oh yes did I feel helpless! Wow! And, yes, of course then they brag about it and think its the coolest thing ever! KIDS!!!!!

Maria said...

We had a vomiting incident at Target when one of ours was about 1.5. Luckily it was in the papertowel / wet wipes aisle. (see, there's that on the bright side thing again) and from there, we went directly to the clearance rack and she got a new 3 dollar dress out of the whole thing . I think I threw the clothes away. I think this may happen so much in target because we spend so much time there!

Jodi said...

(I am not laughing at you... just with you...) HAHAHHAHAAAHHHHAAHAHAHAHA!!!

Reminds me of when Ainsley barfed while getting pedicures last summer.

Penne pasta. Nice!

Mommy, Esq. said...

Hysterical - thanks for the laugh.

Cindy said...

Oh, that is too funny. I can't imagine what I'd do if that happened to me and my girls. We still wear pullups when we go out and we've had explosions but nothing in that category. Definitely a horrific date :)

Miche said...

This is hilarious yet it makes me want to not to make almost 6 month old anywhere....EVER :)

Stacey said...

Well thanks for the laugh! At least you were able to get extra clothes! I once had baby diarhea on me in an aiport...let's just say I had to throw out a sweater and purchase an airport sweatshirt :)

Stacey said...

How terrible but thank goodness you had back up to call on. And at least you were in a place where you could buy extra clothes! I haven't packed a spare set of clothes for Cameron since she was an infant. Oops...I think I just jinxed myself. Time to go repack the diaper bag!

JamieMoore said...

Oh My What a day!!! Good thing Jon was close. That could have been worse. I love that kids have no clue that people listen to what they say. LOL

erinlaughs said...

I love it! And yes, why do they have to talk about stuff like that over and over after it happens? Loudly too!

Delaney loves to talk about the one time she threw up and every time she does it I panic and ask "Are you talking about this because you are going to throw up again?" Who muses fondly about throwing up???

Lindsay said...

So glad Jon was available to come to the rescue! I guess a Target employee would have helped if you needed them to? I'm sure it's not the first time that has happened. =)

Mel said...

Well, that DID top the previous bad date! One more date to repress.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing that story. I may have looked like an idiot laughing out loud alone at my desk, but it was worth it!! However, I feel your pain and am sorry your date had to end on that note!!

Amy

Gillian said...

Oh Laura, that is sad yet so very funny! Inside voices!

Angela said...

It could have been worse, you could have had both boys and Jon could still be traveling :-) Gotta love the mommy glamor!

Ann said...

I am impressed that the diarrhea date was still SECOND worst. That date you had with the movie theather guy must have been truly horrible.

DesiDVM said...

Hehe me and J had a date last week that ended similarly. After dinner at Red Robin TH texted me a few things to pick up at the grocery store. Right when I started putting the food on the conveyor belt he suddenly started dancing around saying he had to go potty. I begged him to hold it until I got done paying and then we raced over to the bathroom with the cart full of food. I had to stand in the bathroom door half watching him and half watching my grocery cart which was parked outside the door, and of course he ended up needing to, um, use the bathroom for a long time. At one point he said to me, "Don't guard me Mommy, guard the food! My fruit roll-ups are in there!"

Erin S said...

Oh my gosh, how awful. But the part about them discussing the incident is funny. Kids have no shame!

Irene said...

I'd rather pay for my own dinner at Checkers than deal with what you had to deal with on Friday night!

t + j said...

I just read that to the boys and they've asked me to read it again...TWICE!

JenFen said...

Oh my gosh Laura, that sounds horrible and hilarious at the same time. I don't think you will ever be able to look at Target the same way again. Last week while we were out, Jake started shouting to Jadyn in the stall, " Are you going #1 or #2?" and they commenced to have an entire conversation between stalls. Boy did I get a couple of stares. What can you do but laugh?

Amy L said...

Oh my word - that is terrible but also one of the funniest stories I've heard in a long time! It also terrifies me since we are currently potty training. Things I hadn't thought of but now need to plan for! Glad we're still in pull ups when we're out!

Julie said...

Oh my, that sounds just horrible! We had an episode of diarrhea explosion in pants last week, but luckily it was at home. Five minutes later and it would have been in the car on the way to school. Poor thing was screaming and crying b/c she did not know what the hell was coming out of her butt.