Age 4.5 is a low point for us in parenting twin boys.
I have been doing a lot of introspective thinking about this as well as talking to friends and their teachers. With the move and the general stress level of our household lately, it would be easy to blame it on the move.
After much discussion, Jon and I agree this is the first age where they tag-team us. They've finally figured out if they work together, they can have tons more fun. The major downside of this is they have also figured out when they work together, they can get into buttloads of trouble. While we reap the rewards of their independent play, some days I am ready to tear out my hair with their insanity.
(Not to mention the general difficulties of this wild age - rudeness, talking back, the NONSTOP talking times two.)
Looking at the last few years, every time we struggled with one kid, the other was relatively easy in comparison. I've written many posts about this. At 4.5, we are getting our butts handed to us as they are difficult at the same time. Or even worse, one will be good then the other will be bad so the good one decides to be bad. They are difficult TOGETHER and no amount of 1:1 changes the insanity level when they are conspiring.
Unlike other crazy phases, I don't feel despair or exhaustion. Instead I worry that we are failing as parents and raising heathens who will turn into bad seeds. And to me, that is the worst feeling of all.
We'll get through this phase but I wanted to write about it publicly as I know there must be others out there going through this. Or who will go through this. Hopefully once we are on the other side, I will report they are no longer heathens.
17 comments:
Um, I don't like this post. I was hoping 4.5 would be better than 3.5. Hang in there :-)
You are not alone! This age has been rough because they understand what they are doing and do it anyway. I wonder about our parenting skills as Michael does some things that I am not happy about but I just keep trying! I think that's all we can do.
Hmm. Yeah. Right there with you. After 6 days with Seren and Wyeth over thanksgiving break and one particularly bad night, I was in tears. "What are we doing wrong? Are we totally screwing up as parents?" I don't want to raise a 'lippy'/sassy girl! What is with this attitude!? I even said, "Mommy and Daddy are not raising you to act like that!" (As if that was going to have any effect whatsoever!) What happened to my cautious, tentative girl? But as you know, there are 6 months ups and six months lows in behavior. I always tell myself that because I care to worry and stress about this sort of thing, I must be doing something 'right'. But it can be brutal. With you guys, even if the move isn't hard on them, it is hard on YOU so you maybe don't have the 'recharging time' that you need to deal with behavior as you would like. As we well know, 'this too shall pass'. But like you say, it is a butt kicking. Sometimes I feel like I am training a horse! So painful for everyone these days! Hugs!
You said it best yourself. Sometimes kids are just dicks. They go through behavior changes and insanity, unbearable sweetness and ridiculous amounts of jerkiness. You are an awesome Mom, and Jon is a great Dad. I would say that if they never acted this way you must be doing something wrong. HAng in there, it will get better. Then worse. Then better again.
Oh, the rudeness and talking back... It is paining me as well. It is almost like a glimpse into teenage years. It is comforting for me to know that I'm not the only one raising what seems like a complete sass-talker. Last night W proclaimed to all of the family that she does not like her great-grandmother. Ouch! She knew she was being rude.
And, on a side note, from what I know about social learning theory, you are absolutely right in that having two is more difficult than having one when dealing with this issue. Kids watch and observe, pick up and mimic what the kid beside them does, depending on the reaction they see the behavior bring about. You cannot isolate poor behavior with twins. :-( This is directly related to why my 2-year-old knows how to use the terms "shut up" and "boring." I cannot isolate the naughty 4.25 behavior!
I've been planning to do a blog post about the slide into 4.75. There is a level of maturity that our boys have reached that allows them to come up with some very devious behavior. It's frustrating, annoying, disturbing, and a little shocking at times. Since you have twins, you are getting that in massive doses. (Twin escalation really needs some kind of math that can fully represent the true level of escalation they achieve./geek)
The thing is, this is normal behavior. Necessary behavior as they develop into mature adults. The problem is, it's also really obnoxious behavior and with twins, it's only worse.
I've also been contemplating the timing of these really bad phases. It hit me that for Michael it seems to start at the half birthday, peak at .75 and then get better around the whole birthday. So, it starts in November, peaks in February, and goes away in May. It corresponds nicely with the seasons, and the level of physical activity gained during each period. Just something to ponder.
I have no advice, obviously, since I am here wading through almost-3.5. But I just wanted to thank you, as always, for being brutally honest.
I have no doubt that you are NOT raising heathens. You and Jon seem like great parents, and I believe 100% that you are doing your damn best to be as consistent as you can, to set up expectations and enforce consequences, and all of the things you "should" be doing.
It's brutal, this parenting thing. Just as soon as you think you've got a good handle on things, the rug gets pulled out from under you again. And you've got a particularly challenging equation working against you now:
4.5 (those notorious half-years)
+ twins (ganging up on you)
+ boys (need I say more?)
I'd bet the farm that this is just another one of those brutally intense "disequilibrium" phases, each time with new twists and new challenges. You'll come through. Bruised and exhausted, perhaps, but you'll get there.
It is clearly impossible that you and Jon are raising heathens, bad seeds or whatever. Impossible. Don't get me wrong, we all question and worry about our kids turning out to be brats, despite our best efforts, but with you and Jon as parents it would be genetically impossible for your kids to turn out to be bad human beings. You are doing a great job, even if you feel like you ass has been kicked two times over.
I can see how twin 4.5 year olds is a whole different world than just one. Hang in there, take a deep breath (or 12).
Yes, exactly! Oh the rudeness, the talking back, the attitude. And that feeling of not being able to get a grip on good parenting. Right there with you sister! (Not that it helps in any way.)
I just wrote about how we're in the opposite of this! At least now I know when it will end.
Good luck. Hopefully this is short lived.
Just showing some solidarity sister :) but unfortunately I have no insight.
3.5 is killing us currently. Tantrums are back in a MAJOR way.
People say how hard it must be with an infant but SHE is the easy one BY FAR.
BTW your race pic is AWESOME.
Ack! I'm on my own for the next 2 nights and don't like this looking into the crystal ball!
You probably aren't raising heathens though, and if they turn out to be that way, it's not your fault since you are clearly awesome parents! Really, for such dedicated, conscientious parents, you can't be too hard on yourself. Someone from a family of 3 boys told me today that *someday* boys are super protective and loving towards their mothers...I'm not holding my breath but still hope it's true.
well this actually relieves me a little...sometimes I literally think there is something wrong with konnor he talks SO MUCH. seriously. I cant imagine two!!!
actually I do agree about the younger one picking up the older ones "bad habits" I always want to send my 4.5 to the corner when the 2.5 says "Meanie!!" or "shut up" because I KNOW thats where he heard it!!!!!!!!!!
Yikes! Sounds like you all are taking a beating, and I can totally relate. Here's where I have hope in these times. First, I take hope from all the tales that once they hit 5, things are easier. Second, from the textbook I'm using this semester that says in the cover for 3-4 years: "Negativism peaks; temper tantrums are common. Little explicit awareness of pride and shame." And then for 5-6: "Negativism declines. Child recognizes pride and shame in others, but not in self."
Finally, when my kids are totally and blatantly disobeying because they know it will get me going, I remind myself that they have to be aware of and learning the rules and morality to so purposefully disobey it. Eventually, obeying it will come. Right? Right?
Since I am slightly ahead of you on this, I was waiting for this post for a freaking half year! And I have girls. I can assure you, it's not us, it's them! LOL
It is very hard -- still not harder than infancy -- but I have been in tears here and there with the insanity of it all. The messes they make are gigantic, the trouble, doubly intense than ever.
Thankfully, I do believe that sanity is around the bend after they turn 5 but before they turn 5.5 or right around November next year. Hopefully the start of K will help in some way???????
UGH/Hugs! XOXO
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