I'm going to sound crazy writing this first paragraph. My brain moves pretty fast and I found I used to let things spin around and around in my brain until I felt a little crazy. Talking about my thoughts tends to keep the crazies at bay. This is probably why I have felt so calm and sane in the time Jon and I have been together. I can tell Jon anything and my brain calms down. It is one of the many, many reasons we make a good fit.
Yesterday, for the first time since meeting Jon, I was rendered completely speechless. In fact, I am still speechless about my news. Two of my moles came back abnormal but the biopsy removed all the abnormal cells. The other two moles came back extremely abnormal and require further biopsy and testing. This is not good news, in fact, it is terrible news.
When I had my checkup, the moles were small black dots. In the time between inspection and biopsy, they took on the classic ABC qualities of melanoma (assymetric, border irregularity, color), but fortunately no D (large diameter) since it was caught early. It is still entirely possible this will turn out to be nothing, but unlikely at this point. And skin cancer is unlike other cancers, in that removal generally "cures" you.
I am still speechless over it. I haven't even talked to Jon about it. There is nothing I really want to say. I won't have a diagnosis until the biopsies and those are next month. Until then, I don't want to waste time worrying about possibilities. There is nothing I can do in the meantime except ensure my family and I are protected during sun exposure, which I already do.
This was biggest kick in the ass I have ever received to get my parenting crap together. It was a humbling gift, to receive such an in-my-face attitude adjustment about what's really important. I have never had such patience with the kids as I did yesterday and today. I have never spent so much time un-multitasking when they are around. I am hugging them more, hugging them tighter, and being the best mom that is inside me. I can't help but hope I can maintain this attitude for the long-term because it has been such a wonderful unexpected blessing during this time.
42 comments:
I always try to take the "only worry just enough to make sure you follow through with necessary steps" approach. It's not always as easy to do as to say. Can't they fit you in sooner? The wait in the worst thing to have to deal with. Maybe ask them to notify you if they have any cancellations.
You are certainly in my thoughts right now. If there is anything I can do, let me know. Even if it's just distracting you with something silly.
Oh, I have my fingers crossed for you. I love the way you can part of this into a positive by being there for your boys more fully. Also, heads up, we signed up for Papa Spud's and put your name as a referral. Thanks for the tip, we're so excited.
Push to have the extremely abnormal moles removed via Mohs micrographic surgery, or at the very least, excised with very wide margins - do NOT let them talk you into a punch biopsy, the least of your worries is how much scarring you may develop. I spent years advocating on behalf of skin cancer patients - if you want/need more info, you have my e-mail address.
Also, not to worry you, but skin cancer can recur, depending in part on how it is removed in the first place - I'm sure you have a great dermatologist and that you can find out a lot doing your own research, but again - if you want more info, just let me know.
Things will be fine, and I am sending lots of positive energy your way!
-Monika
I'll definitely send positive thoughts your way.
Oh Laura, how scary. I can only imagine how hard it is to wait between results. I will certainly keep all things crossed for you.
And thank you for the reminder about how to be a good mom. Which you clearly are.
Sending positive thoughts your way. You definitely have the right attitude. I hate playing the waiting game when it comes to our family's health. We are all here for you if you need us.
I know the next few weeks will be difficult as the thoughts creep in, but I know that Nate, Alex and Jon will prove to be the ultimate and best distraction ever. Enjoy the hugs and kisses.
It must be hard to wait for the results but I think you have the right attitude. Only worry about what you can right now! And I'm sending good luck vibes your way.
Laura, I wish I lived close enough to hug. (Lucas just left Ft. Bragg, but visiting wasn't an option.)
Waiting sucks.
My mother-in-law is waiting for the next stage in treating her lymphoma, and the waiting is more draining than the disease.
Take care of yourself. When this is all over, the perspective will be a gift, right?
" I can't help but hope I can maintain this attitude for the long-term because it has been such a wonderful unexpected blessing during this time"
Wow..Had to reread this part a couple of times.
I am speachless at being able to write able this in your usual elequence.
Sending you good thoughts in the month ahead and I echo that your boys will keep your mind on the important things.
Oh I will be thinking about you... try not to worry, now you know to protect yourself a hundred times better!!
My prayers are with you.
Thinking of you and hoping this is just an unfortunate blip in the grand scheme for you. The waiting must be unbelievably crazy-making ...
And you've totally inspired me to get off my butt and get to a dermatologist myself, so you're already having a far-reaching positive effect!
Laura - I have already sent you a private email about my thoughts on this, but in reading these comments in strikes me that both Joanna and windycityvegan have EXCELLENT points. Push to get in sooner. And -- don't think about the scarring. It is truly not relevant to anything.
Should be "IT strikes me", not "IN strikes me".
Ugh. I was just thinking about you and your biopsy yesterday. This is not what I was wishing for, of course.
Sending super, super positive thoughts your way.
I'm a bit speechless as well... it is hard to come up with the right thing to say. Please just know that I'm sending good thoughts your way and hoping for the very best outcome.
And thanks for another reminder to lather up the kids with sun screen and to love them a little extra.
Oh dear. Not the news we wanted. Not at all. And waiting has got to be incredibly hard. I *know* without a doubt that Jon will be there for you and that you as a person will be able to pull through this wait. And we will be waiting with you as well! Thanks for the reminder to love a little deeper today.
I came across this quote the other day, "What worries you, masters you." -John Locke.
I am sending positive thoughts your way, Laura. And, thank for reminding me to be present in the moment.
Really, really hoping you find out next month that this is a best-case scenario. And really, really going to follow through with making a dermatologist appointment for myself AND my husband. This week. Thanks for giving ME a kick in the rear.
I'm praying for you and you're family. There's really nothing else encouraging I can think of to say. We have had some scares like this with my mom (breast cancer, not skin cancer) and it always turned out to be nothing, I'm praying it will be the same for you.
I'm speechless too...except to say my thoughts are with you. And that last paragraph was AWESOME.
((HUGS))
Good luck, Laura. I have you and your wonderful family in my thoughts.
oh man. i'm thinking really good thoughts for you. and i'm calling my dermatologist tomorrow for an appt.
I was first diagnosed with skin cancer when I was 25. Thankfully it was basal cell carcinoma. But all of the subsequent biopsies have revealed "pre-melanoma." It's scary as shit. I wish I was close enough to give you a great big hug and tell you that early detection is great and you'll most likely be fine. You are strong and have a fantastic family that loves you and supports you. But I agree wholeheartedly with what you said - just the mere mention of the word cancer levels you to the core. I've actually lost count how many excisions I've had in the past ten years. There are too many scars to count. The margins always come back clean but I still always panic. I grew up 10 minutes from the beach and live on the water now. I was a sun worshiper and paid a heavy price. I also agree with whatever poster said to PUSH for a sooner appointment and DEFINITELY say NO to the punch biopsy. In my experience not only was that the most painful but they had to go back anyway and get more margins. And it actually left the biggest scar I've got. The most recent excision was on my belly when I was 15 weeks pregnant. I was a wreck -but again, clean margins. I go every 6 months ON THE DOT for full body checks and every time they take at least three or four suspicious moles off. Sunscreen and sun avoidance have become a way of life.
Anyway - this is scattered - and for that I apologize. I should have just sent you a private email. Again - you are in my thoughts and prayers. Please email me if you need to vent or just talk to someone who's been there. I'm always here. Consider yourself hugged!
I had someone say to me today (she's 20): "I know I'm going to have skin cancer eventually, so I might as well be having fun now."
Hmm.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your boys. <3
I'll be thinking about you. I know the waiting isn't easy. Keeping my fingers crossed!
If hugs travel long distance, please consider yourself hugged. And prayed for.
Thinking good thoughts for you! I am covered in moles, and keep giving myself the once over every week- will get myself checked now.
there is nothing to say to make it remotely better is there. big hugs laura. BIG hugs.
I too was just thinking about you yesterday, wondering if you got the results back. Okay, this is not great news, but you don't know the full picture yet. The waiting is the worst and I am hoping and praying for you for the best case scenario. It is a wonderful gift that Jon has the ability to keep you sane and your head from spinning out of control. Your perspective on your boys (all 3 of them) is nothing short of inspiring! Thanks for the reminder to enjoy the hugs and to be fully present. I did just that today and it was a very happy day indeed. We are all here for you, thinking of you and looking forward to good news.
Its so hard not to worry, but do your best. My boss's wife just had a mole removed from her face that came back melanoma. 2 days later, she had emergency Mohs surgery, and luckily got complete excision, but it was extremely scary for all. I'm only telling you because it was a success story- don't know if it helps. Keep up the good attitude, and thanks for sharing.
I'm sorry you're going through this! But as always, you carry yourself with grace and a positive attitude.
You'll be in my thoughts!
j
ugh, sending good thoughts your way.
sending happy,positive thoughts & blessings.
(Wow, I am WAY behind in Blogland)
Oh wow, Laura! I'll be thinking of you and sending ultra-positive thoughts!
Because of your post a month or so ago, I made an appt with my dermatologist. The soonest I could get in was the END of September. If am having trouble waiting this long for an appt, I can't imagine waiting for an abnormal mole to be biopsied. There has to be another option. Waiting is the worst.
Brook came down with the infamous H1N1 influenza last week and these last seven days, although completely exhausting, have made me appreciate my kids so much more. It is killing Brook not to be able to spend time with them, so I have been cherishing the moments that much more. Last weekend I let them call the shots, and it was a blast. I just wished their dad was able to join us.
I'm sending you a big virtual hug from AK!
Hi Laura!
Thank you so much for sharing this with us all. I find sunblock to be such a pain in the you know where with all of my kids. However, I will think of this post next time I don't feel like doing it.
Thinking of you Laura. My fingers are also crossed for you.
Hi-
I have followed your blog since May 06 BabyCenter days. While I no longer visit BabyCenter I follow along. Thinking of you an your lovely family. Hope it's just a minor concern in your long life ahead.
Tara
Not really much to say - just that I'm thinking of you.
Holy cow that just sucks. Sounds like you have a good attitude and you definitely have tons of people pulling for you. Hang in there! I'll be thinking good thoughts for you!
Thinking of you and hoping that everything turns out OK. Is there anyway that your doctor can call to get you in sooner? My MIL just went through this at the end of last year and she is cancer free now.
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