Everyone says as kids get older, the problems just get bigger. Recently I experienced this twice.
We were out shopping for clothes for the boys' birthday and Nate saw some white strappy sandals. He took off his shoes and put on the white sandals, talking about how his friend Sydney has shoes like that. We got some SERIOUS looks from strangers.
Later in the week, a friend asked if we were going to have more kids. I said no and she asked if we wanted a girl. I said we were very happy with two boys. She then made a comment about how she loved having a daughter because her daughter enjoyed putting on makeup and painting nails. I said my boys enjoyed doing that also.
BIG mistake. She could barely compose her face to respond. And here's what I don't get. The boys aren't even three! Of course they are going to be attracted to pretty things and doing things mommy does. At this age, I don't feel comfortable telling them they can't wear make up.
The bigger issue is that I don't think I would feel comfortable telling them at 16 or 26 that they can't wear make up. They are going to get enough peer pressure in their lives to conform to expectations of "maleness" that I don't want more peer pressure coming from their mother. As their mom, I want to accept them for who they are and not for who society thinks they should be. And this is even more important to me as a woman in technology as I've never done things the way a "typical" woman does.
Come on, I'm 35 and I still don't know how to wear eye shadow.
Yet I understand it is my job to teach them. I just don't think 3 is the right age to start talking about gender roles in society. And I don't want to say to my 3 year olds that certain clothes are girl clothes. Or certain toys are boy toys. They'll get enough of that the rest of their lives, so why take those things away at such a young age?
Thoughts? How have you handled similar situations?
20 comments:
Just wanted to chime in that I completely agree. I'm not a makeup person myself other than lipstick, but my boys' childcare provider is. When she puts on makeup they ask her to put eye shadow or blush on them too, and I think it's a hoot for our little boys (age four and two) to come home all glittery and rosy. When they ask why I don't wear eye shadow like Ms. Tammy does, I say, "Some people choose to wear makeup and some people don't, and I choose not to, but Ms. Tammy chooses to. When you are a grown up, you can choose whether or not you want to wear makeup." They inevitably respond, "We are going to choose to wear makeup." We use the same line (with the same response from the kids) about all sorts of other things, from going to church to praying to watching tv, etc. Especially in terms of gender, they will have plenty of societal pressure to be "boyish" or "manly;" they don't need to get it from us too. And if they choose to wear makeup at age 22, so be it.
I don't do well with the whole peer pressure thing. Between my science geekiness, complete inability to grasp subtlety, and my learning disabilities, I never really fit in with the crowd. The fact that I'm naturally contrary makes me want to resist peer pressure just for the sake of resisting. I'm much more likely to cut of my nose to spite my face than I am to give in to peer pressure.
For the most part, I do my best to ignore any gasps, eye rolls, smirks, and smug looks I get from other parents. It doesn't always work, but I try.
The worst one that I've had was with a neighbor. Michael was climbing on something he wasn't supposed to be climbing on. My normal approach to that is to give him a 1,2,3 count and than taking him inside, but I didn't want to be rude and walk away from the guy after 3 seconds because I don't want him to realize I don't like him. So, he sees Michael climbing and immediately says, "Do you spank?" Oh, the judgment in his voice was so clear because he knows I'm one of those "liberal pansies that don't discipline their children."
I'd like to just avoid him, but I will not be part of excluding his little girl from the neighborhood play. She needs it too much. But I just cringe every time I think of this 300 pound monster spanking his frail little underweight, preemie daughter.
Did I answer the question in all that?
Oh, and as far of the gender stuff. I deal with it a little with Andy. My mom got a great deal on a doll house at the K-Mart going out of business sale. It's pink. Andy was not happy about Michael playing with a pink doll house. My response? "Playing with a pink doll house won't make him gay." (See above comment about lack of subtlety.)
I think it is a cultural thing. I grew up in India...i didnt see this a whole lot. Boys and men wore pink and purple. My brother loved playing with dolls and doll house. My older son got his nails painted when he was 3-4 yrs old. The first time his day care teacher saw his painted nails...it became the talk of the day care. I didnt really understand what the fuss was all about.
Well put Laura- this coming from the mother of a child who loves his pink plate and pink/purple cup best of all as well as anything involving a glue stick.
We have talked about the book Raising Cain which I finally finished on vacation and I thought of it as I read your post.
I highly recommend this book as well as Peg Tyre's The Trouble with Boys about the education system (good for kindergarden rediness) for mom's of boys and ALSO for understanding why husbands often have such a negative reaction to things they seek as feminine or gay.
I actually tried some of the recomendations on my students who are failing my class(male and female) and lo' and behold I got the reponse I wanted from almost all... just because I changed my approach.
Good for you for standing up for raising sons that will respect women and be comfortable that real men can have and express a feminine side.
Thier future partners will send you flowers on Mothers day!
I think for the makeup thing, it might be easiest to explain that makeup is a grown up thing, and that when they're older, they can try it if they want to. That was my mom's answer with me and my sisters, and it has nothing to do with gender.
Honestly I think a lot of their play thus far is instinctual. I grew up in a house full of girls and I see a definite difference in our boys. I don't pressure them to be boys they just are. We aren't pushing them into sports or anything like that and they enjoy singing, dancing, trying on hats, sunglasses. They have a nice balance. I don't want them to EVER think it is not ok to express emotion and I want them to be good men all at the same time. Obviously I don't view either as mutually exclusive. I do tend to say on a regular basis "they are such boys".
Since Nina is a girl, we don't really have any gender issues (girly behavior = cute, tomboy behavior = independent). However, we are presently dealing with exploration and masturbation issues. Try talking to another parent about how to redirect your 28 month old toddler's curiosity so that she (a) does not injure herself or (b) waits for a more appropriate time, and see what kind of looks you get. My mother actually blames it on her being a vegan (WTF?!), so she's obviously not any help. Other parents either aren't able to comprehend what I'm actually talking about, or else they have really awful punishment-based suggestions about how to stop such deviant behavior. I'll take gender role issues over this any day.
Well said Laura! Gender issues are so loaded and I wonder how many inadvertent messages I've already sent in how I respond to William. Ed definitely struggles with this, so I appreciate you writing about this topic. (And thanks HeatherV for the book recommendations! Raising Cain has been on my list for a while. I think I need to ramp it up a few notches.)
I was actually thinking of writing a post about this myself. I feel so guilty every time I direct Cole away from the sparkly, glittery things he wants to wear. I do not want to say, "Those are for girls", but fear that redirection is no better.
I have yet to buy him any of the girl clothes he wants when we're at the store, even when we are there clothes shopping. He does, however, visit his cousins' house a lot and always ends up in a princess dress, tutu, or flowered hat. A lot of the time he'll come home in his cousin's pink pajamas or purple t-shirt.
I hate the idea of limiting his options. It's one of the more stressful things about parenting a boy.
If I start by saying "screw other people and their rules" will that make me look less rational?
My 3 yr old will talk about this kind of stuff and I try to respond in a non-judgmental way. When she said: "boys don't wear dresses" I said - usually, but sometimes they do. Some boys wear skirts too. Sometimes they wear skirts called kilts.
Why? she asked. Because they want to, I said. We live in a pretty liberal/free-to-be place, but even here there is pressure to conform. I hope we can let our kids be who and what they want, from what they choose to wear to what they grow up to do with their lives.
Oh where to start on this one!? We have struggled with this sort of gender thing for a while. We are very intentional about providing our daughter with traditionally defined "boy toys". She LOVES match box cars. She loves the fact that we got her a matchbox car carrier for her birthday. We will continue to provide her with opportunities to do things that are "boyish". I also realize that we will fight a very large uphill battle on this one. Her first exposure to other kids in her child care provider setting was an odd experience for her. her child care provider, heather, is constantly telling her (she feels she is helping by "teaching" her) about what are things boys play with and what are things girls play with. Sam and I have handled this by demonstrating to Heather that we don't buy into it. We correct the expectations publically. She has caught on. Seren arrived one morning with two cars. The little girl there said, "Cars!? Those are for boys!" Heather chimed in, "Well, girls can play with them too, right?" Sam and I felt better. It is just hard, hard, hard. There has been research shown that children at a very young age (2 ish) know what things and activities are "boys" and which are for "girls". So Sam and I can provide her with 101 trucks but society at large is very effective at communicating what is appropriate or not.
Your concern is whether or not you should "Teach" them. I say the more valuable "lesson" we can teach our kids is the lesson you already are giving- that you'll love them regardless.
I'm pretty neutral on this issue, too. Pink was JTC's favorite color for a long time, and that was just fine with us! He wanted a doll for his 2nd birthday, so he got one! When he catches me putting on makeup (rare) and wants some, I tickle him with my powder brush.
I can tell he's getting some of the gender-specific ideas at school now that he's moved up to preschool. He's been telling me that "you like pink, Mommy" because I'm a girl. Whatever. I just tell him that I like red or whatever, instead.
The one time this got my hackles up was over Christmas when JTC's older girl cousins wouldn't let him play Pretty Pretty Princess with them because he was a boy. I was about to give a sprited lecture on the subject when they decided to let him join in and be a prince, instead.
Ha! I just posted pics of my boys in a purple tutu, playing with a pink purse on my blog before I read your post today. We went to a coffeeshop yesterday and they had dress up clothes and the boys had a ball. Let them wear what they want and ignore the judgement from others!
This is something I see my friends with boy/girl twins struggle with the most. One of the boys in our playgroup ALWAYS has barettes in his hair because his twin sister has them so why can't he? I love that his mom is okay with it.
What annoys me about peer pressure is that if my daughter picks the prince costume at dress-up time then she is cute/strong/cool. But if one of the boys picks a princess dress then that's a no-no.
I sit where you do on gender issues. My husband disagrees. We came to realization that we were not going to see eye to eye on raising boys. We decided to stop trying to have kids until we could resolve that issue, took a pregnancy test to be safe before going back on birth control ... and discovered ourselves pregnant! Fortunately we had two girls, which made our disagreement a non-issue. We both believe that girls shouldn't be fettered by gender. I just happen to feel the same way about boys.
Amen, Laura. I'm conservative and I STILL agree. Spot on on this one.
I think you're doing the right thing. I hate the way masculinity is often defined in today's culture. As long as no one's hurting anyone, I think kids and grown ups should be allowed to do whatever the hell they want. I grew up in a household where gender roles were very clearly defined, and very unfair. I hope to re-balance the scales with my girls. Keep doing what you're doing- letting your boys have fun and keep their individuality. If you get dirty looks, just remember- the people giving you the dirty looks are boring, old-fashioned, and weak. Whereas you are cool, modern, and strong. I'd rather be you ;)
My 11 year old son takes ballet 5 days a week, and proudly wears his "Nutcracker" tee shirt to school. You know what? Nobody cares. I think our generation is actually more hung up on gender roles than today's kids are. I never cease to be amazed. The only time he was teased was by a girl at school - once. She gave up when she didn't get a reaction from him.
okay, i have to mention something here. i posted a picture of owen wearing the tutu i made for their sweet cousin. he totally loved it and tim and i joked a bit about his fascination with girly things, purses and bras and sparkles. no big deal to us. well, i had a comment from an anon on that post asking me why a boy in a tutu and then the statement 'you are crazy'. got a giggle out of that one. i deleted the comments because they were also in broken english (someone from south america i think) but it made me realize not all people are as comfortable as we are with fluidity in gender roles before the age of puberty. the way i see it, they are who they are and we will come to it as it comes
Just catching up on your blog after being MIA all last week. I think you are doing it exactly right! I love the part where you said "They are 3!"
One of the boys I care for loves to put on the Megan and Molly's dress up clothes and shoes and wear their lipglosses. His Dad FREAKS if he sees it at pick up actually scolds the little boy and tells him "Those are Yucky!" I have to bite my tongue every time. The little boy still runs to put on the clothes and shoes as soon as Daddy is out the door in the morning - but now he just points to them on his feet and says "Daddy - No NO!" and laughs.
We paint Wyatt nails if he asks - Matt tolerates it and rolls his eyes, but he doesn't like it.
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