This morning I had my annual hearing exam to check the status of robo-ear. Sometime in October, I started to notice the same hearing problems I had when my hearing problems first developed. I made the appointment knowing I would get bad news, but this morning I woke up in denial wondering why I made the appointment when clearly my hearing is fine.
I dislike getting my hearing checked. I don't mind the actual exam but I don't like going to the office. I am always the youngest patient. Everyone who works in hearing departments talks really loudly. They also make excessive eye contact when speaking. When my hearing was bad, I hid my condition by carefully watching people's mouths to fill in the gaps. The doctor's office basically calls that bluff.
If you've never had a hearing testing, it's what you would imagine. You sit in a soundproof booth with headphones and they run a series of tests. You either repeat words or click a button when you hear a noise. During the leadup to my surgery, I failed so many hearing tests that I know when things are not going well. I know when I've gone too long without clicking a button and I know when I *should* hear a word or beep but hear absolutely nothing.
It feels really sad sitting in a completely silent room knowing you should hear something but not hearing anything except the scared thoughts running through your head.
I got out of the booth knowing I had failed and my doctor wanted to run extra tests. Never a good sign. We reviewed the results and I have mild hearing loss in the range of human speech. I expected this as I am having a harder time hearing people. And this was pretty much how my hearing started to go the first time, so I'm not surprised.
I go back in six months or earlier if things get worse. And that piece of news was the hardest to take. When I took my first hearing test that showed mild hearing loss, they told me to come back in six months or earlier if anything got worse. And it got worse, so much worse. It's hard not to project what might happen. It's hard not to worry.
Along with my sadness and fear, I feel angry. Angry at my ear for betraying me again. Angry that I'm starting not to hear things again. Angry this stapedectomy was supposed to last me ten years and it's only been three. Angry that I have no control over this.
All these feelings are repeats of the feelings I had when I first lost my hearing. Knowing what to expect this time, I feel a lot more prepared. Until my hearing gets significantly worse, I'll just turn up the tv, ask people to repeat themselves, and be thankful that nothing worse is wrong with me. And I will be thankful for modern medicine that gave me my hearing back to allow me to hear every sweet word, laugh, and sound of love that has come out of the mouths of my babies.
20 comments:
Ugh. This just sucks. Sorry.
Yuk, Laura. That stinks. Is it still the right ear?
So sorry. I think the knowing you have something chronic that despite doing all you can to stave off the inevitable is the hardest part to manage. Glad Jon will be getting home tonight. Sending you a ((((HUG))))
I am really sorry you did not get better news. I know this has been on your mind for some time and after everything I have been going through with my health lately, I completely understand your worry and frustration and I have no real advice except to say that you definitely have the right attitude in feeling fortunate that nothing more serious is wrong. And although I don't have any words of wisdom, I am always here for support.
Oh, Laura, Im sorry. That just stinks. Sending hugs and thoughts and prayers. You never know, it could be totally different this time. Hang in there. You have the right attitude.
I'm so sorry, that's immensely frustrating. I can imagine I would be really angry at all of those things, too. I have no experience in this area so don't have much to offer. Just a virtual hug and pat on the back.
That's terrible. I bet you feel like you just had the surgery and now you might need it again? Here's hoping the problem doesn't progress as quickly as you fear.
I'm a fairly new blog lurker but maybe have commented before, not sure. Anyways, sorry about this news. Always hard to digest the info that involves our health and out of our control. Let's up it doesn't get any worse....but I think it is normal and ok to have all the emotions that go along with it as long as you can shrug them aside after a bit and keep going. Your little guys are so very cute and keep me smiling at work :)
Oops, no Let's "up", but let's "hope". Sorry.
Dude, this just sucks. I knew you were concerned about this, and I guess your gut feeling was being honest with you. I hope that the progression slows down, and that you don't have to go through the surgery anytime soon.
I think it's great that you do your best to look at the positive side of things. In the long run, that serves you really well. I also think you've earned a nice long sob session once Jon gets home, and maybe a few glasses of red wine too.
Hugs!
Man Laura, that sucks. Hope for the best . . . expect the worst. I guess that's the best that you can do. You have a great attitude, though, and a great support system. Hugs to you!
Oh Laura, so sorry to read about the results of your test. I know it's not something you would have expected despite your efforts to remain grounded. Sending you a big hug and good vibes that it doesn't get any worse and you continue to enjoy the sounds you love most.
I'm so sorry. My mother has pretty severe hearing loss and her hearing aids help some, but she has a really hard time in some situations. I know how frustrating it is for her, especially when we're in situations where she has to ask us to repeat ourselves or just sit while the rest of us enjoy a conversation (restaurants are the worst - we now take notes of places that are quiet, or just eat at home when they visit). I hope the progression isn't as quick as last time and that you're able to keep up your great attitude no matter what happens.
It's so hard when you KNOW something is wrong and then it is confirmed. You have that moment like "just tell me I'm wrong". Good luck...
Laura, I am so sorry you are having to go through this again. I hope that you do not have to go back for another 6 months. While it's great you know what the procedures are and what to expect from that, it's awful to think you have to go through that again.
I have a lot of fear surrounding my prolactinoma and what treatments they will suggest and how it will progress, I can only imagine how it would feel to have gone through that once only to go through it again.
I will be thinking of you, and saying a prayer that you have no further hearing loss.
it is so difficult when our bodies start to betray us, but i think you are right in the last sentences. we have to embrace every bit of life, and i think you are gracefully doing just that.
I am SO sorry that the hearing test did not go well, even though I am sure you were mentally prepared for it :( It still does not make it any easier.
I hope that things do not get worse, and that when they do they will be able to fix you back up into tip top shape :)
I can't imagine what it's like to deal with hearing loss, although I've known a number of people who have. It's incredible to me that you're able to stay so positive. Good luck!
So sorry Laura!
Aw I'm sorry to hear about your hearing loss. It is amazing what they can do with medical technology so I am hoping for the best for you!!
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